When we fail at something, or when we notice something that we do not like about ourselves, we usually respond by castigating ourselves and speaking negatively or harshly to ourselves. In fact, while we may extend comfort and compassion to others in such predicaments, we do not necessarily extend the same treatment to ourselves.
The reality is that we are very likely to criticise ourselves when we are not perfect or when we are experiencing difficulties. Recent research shows that this is detrimental to our well-being and sabotages our happiness and success.
In fact more than one hundred studies indicate that if we practise self-compassion we are better able to cope with life’s difficulties and more likely to overcome failure. The health benefits of self-compassion include less anxiety, less depression and less stress as well as greater happiness and better coping skills.
The more compassionate we are towards ourselves when we fail or slip up, the more likely we are to pick ourselves up and try again. Self-compassion actually motivates us and it enhances our self – confidence. It enables us to take more responsibility and not less responsibility.
What is self – compassion?
So what is self-compassion? Self – compassion involves treating ourselves as we would treat other people who are suffering.
Self – compassion is the ability to be with ourselves as imperfect human beings.
Instead of ignoring or denying the pain, suffering and embarrassment, we acknowledge it. We acknowledge what we are feeling. We admit that we are not feeling good and that we are having a difficult time. We do not deny or suppress the pain and nor do we lambaste ourselves.
Self – compassion is not self – indulgence
It is important to note that self – compassion is not self-indulgence. Self-compassion is motivated by the desire to want to improve ourselves – the desire to be happy and healthy.
Self-indulgence tends to merely provide short term pleasure. It is a way of dulling or avoiding a situation rather than dealing with it. Self-indulgence often involves giving into desires that may actually harm us such as overeating, taking drugs, being a couch-potato etc.
Three elements to self-compassion have been identified
Self-kindness versus self-judgement
Self-compassion involves being warm and kind to ourselves when we suffer, fail or feel inadequate. We acknowledge our feelings and understand them rather than ignoring them or castigating ourselves. We lean into the pain and hurt rather than denying it or pushing it away.
Common humanity versus isolation
Frustration at things not being exactly as we would want them is often accompanied by a feeling of isolation. We feel that we are the only ones who suffer / fail / experience disappointments. The reality is that all human beings suffer, make mistakes and experience disappointments.
We are all imperfect, just as we all suffer. Self – compassion therefore involves the recognition of our common humanity. Suffering, embarrassment, failure are things that we all experience.
Mindfulness versus over-identification
Self – compassion requires that we take a balanced approach to our suffering. We do not ignore what we are feeling and neither do we exaggerate it. We observe our thoughts and feelings in a non-judgemental way. We are mindful of them and we observe them with kindness. We do not deny them and neither do we become overwhelmed by them. Rather, we accept them.
So how do we approach ourselves when we have failures or when we are suffering?
Mindful of the suffering – Acknowledge it
Acknowledge the pain and discomfort. Identify what you are feeling. You may say to yourself – ‘I am suffering’. ‘This is really hard’ ‘I am struggling’. ‘I am embarrassed’.
Validating what we are feeling allows ourselves to step outside of ourselves and notice what we are feeling. So identify the feelings without judgement or condemnation.
Common humanity – we all suffer
Remind yourself of the common humanity of the situation. Struggle, hardships, failures are all part of life. Remind yourself that is a normal part of life. You are not alone in your difficulties – everyone suffers, fails, has difficulties, feels embarrassed etc. This is what it means to be human. It is part of life.
Comfort – use words of kindness
Speak to yourself with compassion. Comfort your hurting self as you would comfort a friend. ‘This is so hard but it’s going to be okay’. ‘I can do this’. ‘This will not last forever’. Speak kindly in a comforting tone. Extend kindness to yourself and feel it in your body.
References
This was taken from the writings and lectures of Kristen Neff and Chris Germer.