Sat, 14 Feb 2015 has been recorded as the biggest box office day in the history of Ster-Kinekor since 1995. The reason – the release of….
Fifty Shades of Grey.
This movie has caused a stir –as did the books. Some have ventured to call it a romance. Others describe it as being a glamorous Hollywood portrayal of abuse. So what is it – abuse or romance? Is Christian an abusive partner? To answer that question it may be wise to look at a brief summary of some of the characteristics which would make a relationship abusive.
Abusive men control their partners.
Control may take various forms
- Financial control
the women is not permitted to have financial independence and may even be denied access to the family finances.
- Stalking
this includes actual stalking as in following or it may take the form of checking on the women’s whereabouts beyond the reasonable norms of accountability and safety.
- Intimidation
gaining control by instilling fear – fear through gestures, attitude or through the use of physical force or abuse. It can also include disregard for or breaking her possessions.
- Emotional abuse
this includes humiliation, degrading, disregarding constant negative criticism, name calling and so on.
- Isolation
not permitting the woman to have reasonable contact with her family and friends.
Abusive men are selfish and self-centre. Everything is about them and their needs.
Abusive men consider themselves to be superior.
They may consider their partner to be stupid or unworthy. They believe that they ‘know best’ and they make all the decisions about everything.
Abusive men are possessive
They tend to view their partner as a possession.
Abusive men very often use physical violence.
The violence may be explained as something which the woman needs or deserves or even as an expression of his love. BDSM (bondage and discipline; dominance and submission) as highly controversial as it is, has boundaries and it is a consensual agreement by those participating. In saying this I am not advocating or supporting BDSM – it is merely a comment. Physical and sexual abuse is forced. It is used as a means of maintaining power and control. The perpetrator may experience sexual stimulation.
Abusive men are manipulative.
Acting remorseful and buying gifts while at the same being abusive is manipulation.
Taking the above into account, it is clear that Christian, in Fifty Shades of Grey, very often crosses the line of abuse. The relationship between Christian and Anastasia is not a mature adult to adult relationship. So the questions that then need to be considered are ‘why are women attracted to abusive men’ and ‘why do women remain in relationships with abusive men’ and more pointedly ‘why are women flocking to view this movie’? This is very complex. There are no simple answers but let us look at two ideas.
Abuse – Child abuse both sexual and physical is prevalent throughout the world and is without a doubt a huge problem in South Africa. It is common for perpetrators of child abuse to tell the child that the abuse is an expression of love. The mixed ‘love message’ associated with both forms of abuse particularly causes confusion to the child victim. This is particularly true if the perpetrator is the parent or other close authority figure. Abusive control is often confused with love. Pain is sometimes confused with love. Very often women who have been abused as children will enter into abusive relationships in their adult years. Their understanding of love is damaged.
It may also be that although the child is not abused, the child observes an abusive relationship while growing up. Abuse is then considered to be normal and acceptable in adult partnerships.
Changing and nurturing
Women often stay in abusive relationships with the mistaken belief that they can and that they will, be able to change their partner. They believe that inside the abusive, controlling partner is a gentle caring man and that they can change the abusive man into the caring man. There is a belief that love will overcome and bring about the change. This is sad because very often such women have a submissive, skewed perception of love.
The truth is that we can never and should never take responsibility for changing another person. Always the need for change is acknowledged by the one requiring change – and then responsibility for bringing about the change is taken and carried through. Therapeutic assistance is commonly required. Friends and partners merely support and encourage the efforts. This is reality.
Fifty Shades of Grey is highly controversial and much has been said and written about it. For me one thing remains true – abuse is evil. It has devastating long term effects and is representative of a deeply flawed society. So, no I would prefer my son or daughter not to read the books or watch the movie – but should either decide to do so I will spend time discussing their views and experience of it.
Do women abuse men? Yes. But that is another discussion.